Struggles with re-entry

Sometimes I compare my transitions to re-entry after being beamed up on Star Trek--sometimes I think parts of me are left behind in the transporter! There was one episode on Star Trek, Next Generation in which a visitor from another planet/galaxy/solar system (you get the idea) was slowly dying because he was being transported too many times. I remember Deanna Troi was trying to convince him to stop, but his planet below needed him.

Okay, that's quite a strong analogy, I know--I'm not dying (!), but you get the gist of it. I love DeKalb, and I love our little Paddock Lake house, and I love Carthage...AND the commuting is slowly but surely wearing me out. I find my level of attention when I'm driving, as well as my ability to remember to pack everything I need for one state or the other, to be waning. It could be that it's just been a tough year, or it could be menopause (I think?), or just this time of year and the almost-winter blahs. But I can tell you that I yearn to live in just one place--just one house to clean, fridge to stock, set of dishes to wash, one set of closets, one dresser, set of litter boxes...again, you get the idea. I want to be HOME, wherever home is. If I have a morning and evening class same day, I want to be just one mile--not 20 miles from campus! I want to help Joe keep up with the chores and his health. 

One upsetting epiphany I had this year is that our beloved dog Luna is getting old without me. It becomes harder to leave her, and she hates it when I go. She has really come to resent clothes baskets and suitcases...poor baby! I want to come home to all my mammals, every day! 

When I took the position at Carthage, the idea was that I would do this commute and live away from DeKalb thing for a couple years until Joe found a job up north and we fully moved to Wisconsin. I'm now halfway through the 7th year of that idea, and we are only just now actually pursuing the goal of trying to live together in just one home again. Joe is applying for jobs in Wisconsin, and I (oh, you'll love this!) am applying for jobs in the southeast--Florida, the Carolinas, and Arkansas! Neither of us loves the cold, and I am just becoming too fragile to risk falling on ice and snow, so we are exploring our options. I think too, really, that the prospect of moving away appeals to me because we will be forced to fish or cut bait, shit or get off the pot, make a dadgum decision! One way or another, come July we will live together. What a concept. 

On being alone...

On being alone…

Tonight I’m in “the cottage in Paddock Lake,” which is actually just a teensy house a few blocks from Paddock Lake. Bud, not Buddy (my 11-ish yr. old gray tiger cat) is snuggled up on the couch with me. I love it here! I fell in love with this little house the second I came in the door 3 years ago. It has pretty knotty pine walls, a couple nice tall trees in the yard, song birds, and the lake just down the road. When I walk in I can feel my blood pressure lower. I sleep better here, I think. There’s more natural light in the living room here, and the neighborhood is so green with mature trees and lots of grass. We’ve planted a gorgeous garden where the old nasty shed used to be, and I can enjoy it while I look out the kitchen window over the sink. Lake Michigan is less than 20 miles away, less than 30 minutes. Friendly, quiet neighbors, too. The cottage is full of quirks, things that are crooked or installed carelessly, or just plain wrong. I call them Joe’s “ah, shits”—at first, every time he came up he would have to say “ah, shit” about something new he’d discovered! 

When Joe and Luna (our 60 lb. lovable shepherd/lab retriever/who knows what dog) come to spend the night, it feels like I’m losing ½ of the available space to move and breathe. Our bed is smaller here than at home, there’s much less floor space, and sometimes I SWEAR there’s less air! Probably I use it all up sighing my martyr sigh…drama queen!

I love it so much here that I feel guilty sometimes. Aren’t I supposed to be miserable, missing my husband and other family & friends? Truth is, it’s harder for me to leave the other 3 animals because I can’t talk with them on the phone at night and I worry whether they’re eating right, getting their meds, etc.—the same worries I have for Joe, but him I can nag! J 

Of course it’s hard to be away. Every weekend I pack up, go home, unpack, do laundry, repack, shop, load up, and come back up again. There’s no time to be normal—it’s hard to do activities without one another when I’m home, yet it’s unnatural to be that way—we’ve never been an attached at the hip kind of couple. It’s exhausting sometimes to live in two places.  I joke that it’s like that Star Trek, Next Generation (I think?) episode where the guy was dying because he was going through the transporter too much. **I think sometimes I have trouble with re-entry! Maybe I’m like the astronauts, and I need debriefing time before I’m ready for public consumption. I am the grumpiest right after I get back home. Poor Joe. Over our 4 school years of doing this we’ve developed some rules and rhythms, those help.  I would never demand that the kitchen be clean when I get home, but no matter how hard I try to “be good,” I end up being really snarky when it’s dirty. I make it a priority to leave it clean, so I expect it to be clean when I get back. Joe has accepted this and makes it a priority.

We’ve talked and talked about selling our DeKalb home (it’s going to get its own posting soon). But I love it so, too, and I love my DeKalb life. Not to mention the fact that it has decreased in value and we cannot afford to sell it. And so, we continue with this long-distance friendship/partnership/romance/ gas-guzzling, income-eating, two-house payment lifestyle. They’re both investments, and we’re worth it! (…right?)